Out of the Mouths of Southerners

If These Heels Could Talk they would say, "boy us Southerners can come up with some garbage."

A friend of mine recently posted a video to my Facebook timeline that was titled "S$IT Southern Women Say".  I must say it certainly gave me quiet the chuckle.  So of course in good ole Angie fashion I started thinking back to some of the Southern sayings that I grew up on. 

Every culture has it's own slang terminology.  I know this because anything I ever learned in Spanish class went right out the damn window when I sat in between to people that spoke fluent Spanish or as we from the South would say, "they spoke Mexican."

I was able to pick up the cuss words, and to this day I impress myself when I can make out that someone is cussing in Spanish.  It really is the important things in life you know. 

Well anyway, back to the real reason for this late night round of rambling....

I thought I would sling some of our sayings down here on this here computer to give ya'll out there a little chuckle....

Here goes....

• Bill is busier than a one legged man in a butt kickin contest.(well you get the idea)
• Give me them there fish so I can wrench them off. (Just caught a mess of fish and need to rinse them off)
• If you don't stop that crying, I'm gone giving ya something to cry about. (You's about to get your tail tore up)
• Oh Billy Bob was about as high as a Georgia Pine. (He was tore slap up.... drunk)
• She'd complain if Jesus Christ came down and handed her a dollar bill. (She ain't never happy)
• I brought cha in this world and I will take you out. (Mom when she is ticked off)
• I am a full as a tick. (Just ate the whole buffet)
• She is about as dumb as a box of rocks. (Really don't get dumber than that)
• He was driving like it was a Sunday afternoon. (Driving entirely too slow)
• I have known you since you were knee high to a grasshopper. (Knew me since I was a little one)
• You is the spittin image of your Daddy. (It means you ain't the mail mans kid)
• Damn it's cold enough to hang meat in this place. (Turn on some heat)
• I don't know whether to scratch my butt or wind my watch. (Someone is a little on the confused side)
• It is cold as a witch's tittie in a brass bra. (Turn on some heat)

And a couple of my all time favorites.....

• Good Lawd woman how do you walk in them shoes?
• Ain't cha afraid ya is gonna break your neck in them shoes?
• Just how high are those heels?
• Did ya shoot a hooker for those heels?
• I can't wear nothing but flip flops I swear.

And so tonight in closing I would like to say.... Good night John Boy.....

Heels and a Beer

If These Heels Could Talk they would say, "walk a mile in my heels then you you can judge if the direction I'm headed is right." 

I haven't written anything in almost a week. I have missed writing and I have missed seeing the amount of people that read my posts. I especially like seeing the different countries that visit my site. 

I've never thought of myself as a writer and I suppose I really don't now. I have just had friends to encourage me to write. Especially when I tell them some off the wall story that most would only think was make believe. Nope my imagination isn't that good. 

Sometimes I wish my stories were make believe. But they are real.  They are genuine. I wish they were all funny. But they aren't. I like to laugh. It's one of my favorite things in the world. I also like to make people laugh too. I believe I feel better doing that then when I'm on the receiving end. Laughter really is the best medicine. 

Recently I got to meet up with some of my best lady friends. I had worked all day long and had originally planned on meeting them but didn't figure I could after getting off so late. 

Since I had to go that direction anyway I thought I would check on them. I wanted to make sure they weren't having too much fun without me. 

To my surprise they were sitting outside and as soon as they saw me they were excited. They genuinely wanted me there.  Of course that made me feel good. 

There were a few ladies there that I know however I had never just hung out with them. Of course I as usual proceeded with breaking them in good ole Angie style. We had a blast. 

During our little gathering it saddened me when one of them said just don't tell anyone I was drinking a beer. 

What are we 12? Why would anyone care? Why would anyone oppose of an adult enjoying some laughs and a beer? 

People are so quick to judge others by the choices they make. And although I've never been one to concern myself of the opinions of others I realize there are some that do. And I understand that. 

We laughed, we drank a beer or two and someone may have told an "inappropriate" joke. No one was harmed and we all walked away feeling the love of each other. 

It was an awesome night. 

It is my wish for those people that find time in their day to judge others based on their weekend activities that they find them self something a little more exciting and fulfilling. 

You would be amazed at how your life could change just by focusing less on others and more on yourself. 

In the meantime I will continue to laugh, have a drink or two and possibly tell an inappropriate sarcastic joke. 

Laughter In the Darkest Moments

If These Heels Could Talk they would say, "laughter can be found even in the darkest moments."

Everyone has their own coping mechanism. Some use alcohol, some use drugs, some use food, some use sex, and some use gambling.  Most of the time the coping mechanism is used to get the person through a moment that is painful. It helps them to forget what is either happening or has happened. 

My coping mechanism is laughter. My coping mechanism is the ability to take tragic moments that either I was subjected to or chose on my own and poke fun at them.  Most of the time when I am telling my story to someone I don't realize that this is what I am doing.  I just know that usually the other person is in some kind of shock from either the story itself or the fact that I am laughing about the story. 

I believe that we all have our poor pitiful why me moments.  My mom hates when I tell stories sometimes and then I follow that story up with, "and that is a damn therapy session and that is going to cost someone."   

I have had those poor pitiful why me moments.  I will not lie.  When you are growing up and some of your "friends" own nothing but name brand clothing and are getting brand new cars at the age of 16, you wonder why not me? Why can't I have that? Why can't I have the in ground pool and enclosed garage.  Why can't I have central heat and air? Why can't I have a telephone at the house? Why can't I have running water?

I really don't remember if I was ever angry about the way I was feeling.  Maybe it was because my mother always instilled into my brothers and I that all of that really didn't matter and that a friend was a friend no matter what.

We were NOT white trash we just didn't have the means that others had and now some 25 years later I understand why I was chosen to experience the things that I did.  My experiences although tragic to some, bring humor to others. 

In one of the hardest times of a friend's life I was able to bring laughter to her life.  That laughter came from my experience, my childhood and it was a true story.  And just so you know I laughed until my stomach hurt.

My dad was able to scout out this fine jewel of dwelling at the tune of $125.00 a month.  I remember this place I called home for four years.  I had my own room for the first time at the age of 14.  My room actually had it's own door to the outside world.  My brothers still shared a room and my parents of course had their own room.  There was one bathroom that was right off from the kitchen (really is that necessary, put it somewhere else people) 

The electricity of this dwelling was something to be desired. One memory that stands out the most is that at Christmas time when we would turn the Christmas tree lights on EVERY light in the house would dim.  And that Christmas tree lit up like the fourth of July.  And when we turned them off all the other lights started to light the house normal. 

My mom always liked to decorate and still does for the holidays. And like any Southern household there were lights that adorned the outside of this dwelling during the holidays.  On one or two occasions a couple of people stopped to see if we were selling catfish plates. Hmmmm o.k.... we are not a catfish house.

After further research it was discovered that this dwelling that I called home for four years was actually an old convenience store.  Wow, what a shocker!!!

My mom and I painted it one summer a nice turquoise blue. But since it was just her and I laboring over this task with a paint brush we opted out of painting the back of it so we just painted three sides and left the back to remain barnyard red. 

I told my friend about this home and we laughed and laughed.  I do not poke fun at what my parents best efforts to raise three children were.  I KNOW THEY DID THE BEST THEY COULD WITH WHAT THEY HAD.  I poke fun at the experience.  I poke fun at the fact that I am blessed to not have to live that way today. I poke fun at how crazy we must have looked to others.  I poke fun at the electrical wiring and how crazy that was. 

I am blessed to have lived the way I lived and I now know that what may be tragic to some can most definitely bring laughter to others.

Lessons Learned on the Flint River

If These Heels Could Talk they would say, "when you feel like you are about to sink the simple dog paddle may help save your life."

I grew up in Middle Georgia right smack dab on the Flint River.  The Flint River was very educational and I learned many a lesson from its banks. 

I drive across that Flint River bridge twice a day, every day.  And every time I travel over that country bridge my mind flashes back to summer after summer.  My brothers and my cousins and I raised some country hell on that river.

Now I ain't saying that city people can't raise their own kind of hell, I wouldn't know.  I only know what I know and it was far from city living.

I know looking for crawdads under the rocks under that bridge.

I know looking for my own fish bait with my best friend.   I know taking  that fish bait going fishing, getting too hot to fish and then skinny dipping in the river until we heard the convicts working on the side of the road.

I know jumping out of poison oak covered trees. I know hiding beer in the creek to keep it cool.   I know cutting off your best hand-me down blue jeans to make your best cut-off blue jean shorts.

I know my brothers riding my favorite bike off into that river until the chain was rusted. (I loved that bike)

I know floating that river. I know falling in that river and I know making memories by that river.

I also know that sometimes you have to sink or swim in that river.

As with any redneck parent the best way to teach a young lad how to swim is to spend hundreds of dollars on swim lessons getting them prepared for their first encounter with the river.  Okay, not really.   I think the redneck approach is actually quiet effective and I took a few life lessons from my swim lesson. Notice I said swim lesson. It only took me one time and I knew what I had to do.

I was seven years old and I was surrounded by my parents and a few aunts and uncles.  My dad says to me, "okay when we toss you in the air, it is going to be fun, you will splash in the water and how fun is that?" "When you come down you better be paddling for your life because if you don't that current right there is going to take you right on down to Flat Shoals." 

Hmmmmm...... okay.... well this seems like a party I should have missed is what I was thinking. But what  is a seven year old to do.  

So in the air I went and down I came.  SPLASH!!!! Right in that muddy river.  And here is where the lessons come.

1. Sometimes it is best to keep your mouth shut even when you feel like screaming.  It could mean the difference between you drowning or surviving.  You don't always have to open your mouth to be effective. 
2. Don't panic. Take a deep breath. Get your wits about you and keep your eye on the shore and on that spot where you can see yourself sitting.  If you take your eyes off of that very spot, that very place you want to be, you will end up off course.
3. When you feel like it is easier to go with the flow, just remember sometimes going with the flow will take you to a place you don't belong.  It can  sometimes take years to find your way back to where you are supposed to be.
4. Swimming against the current just might make you a stronger person.  It will definitely make you appreciate the times when you can just wade the water.
5. Be thankful for the opportunities you are given to learn something new even when what you are learning  and the process in which you are learning is not your first choice. There are lessons everywhere.
6. And lastly, when someone says, "oh you will love this." It is okay to question the motive in which they are trying to persuade you.  Is it beneficial to them, to you or to the both of you? But also know that sometimes decisions that are made, you have no choice in the matter.  It is your job to process the situation and dog paddle on.  

In my case it worked out for the best. Although I will never be an Olympic swimmer, I am not afraid of the water. I do not know how to dive, nor do I care to know how to dive. I can do a mean cannon ball in which my eleven year old son thinks it is hilarious.  I guess when you are bottom heavy like myself,  you can really make a splash.


The only bad part about the canon ball is you can't wear your best heels while performing this move.

Idiocracy Shows No Prejudice

If These Heels Could Talk they would say, "I am sick of people being judgmental of one another based on the color of their skin.  It is 2013 for the love of all things sacred!"
 
The year was 1996. The Month was May. The day was the 26th. The time was 8:14 p.m. It was by far one of the happiest days of my life.  I can close my eyes right now and relive the entire moment.  On this day one of my favorite people in the world entered the world and I gave birth to him.  It was my oldest son. 

My oldest son is half Hispanic and half White.  In that delivery room there were four other people present. The Lieutenant that delivered him, she was white. There was a Corpsman present to assist, she was Asian. There were two precious ladies that could have been anywhere else, yet they chose to stay in that room and hold my hand as I breathed through the pain. On an occasion or two they would tell me to calm the hell down.  Of course that didn't go over too well. They were black.   

Oh and I shall not forget the awesome person that drove me to the hospital.  She was Mexican and still is Mexican. That hasn't changed.

Now why is the color of their skin or the race of my child even relevant?  Well to me it doesn't matter.  However if you would have told me four years prior to that moment that things would transpire as they did, I would say that you were crazy and I would sale you some ocean front property in Arizona. 

You see where I grew up, I wasn't taught to hate people of a different color and I could mingle with them however at the end of the day I should stick to "my own kind."  In other words this picture was painted for me that "my own kind" would be the ones that had my back.  As a child you do as you are told and what you are taught is all that you know.  I knew no different. 

Thank God I left home at the age of 18.  Thank God that I didn't stick to "my own kind." Because had I kept to what I had been taught then I would not have my precious son.  Had I kept to what I had been taught I would have missed out a lot of awesome moments.  Had I kept to not wanting to know anything different, I would have not tried new things. I would not have met new friends. I would not have tried new foods.

And mostly......

I would have been ALL ALONE in that delivery room. 

Because guess what, "my own kind" was no where to be found.

All races have people in them that make you wonder if they have half the brain that God gave a billy goat.  Being an idiot does not show prejudice. 

It is tragic that so many people miss out on great things because they are closed minded to other people because of their race and stereotypes.    At the end of the day you can peel back the skin and we are all made the same.  We all feel, we all love and we all hurt. 

I am forever grateful to those two precious ladies that stayed and held my hand for the 24 hours that I was in labor.  I am more grateful that they decided in my moment of need to not stick to "their own kind."

Special Brownies

If These Heels Could Talk they would say.... "there are brownies and then there are special brownies."

I have a very sweet friend of mine, I will call her Susie Lou. (Not her real name,  I made up one  since she didn't give me permission  )  But I am going to share a story of hers.  I laughed so hard when she told me this story. I told her, "girl you got stories."

The event itself is funny, however the fact that it was Susie Lou that experienced it, made it even better. Susie Lou is a petite pretty little thing with a bubbly personality.   I love when we get to spend time together.

Susie Lou and I were high tailing it  to Greene County to take in some Friday Night lights and cheer on our boys.  She was nervously riding shotgun. Nervous mainly because of my awesome driving skills.  I said to her, "don't be alarmed because the Good Lord is the captain of my ship and he is going to get us to the game safe."  And she in turn said, "I hear ya, but could you watch out for that mailbox." Needless to say she hasn't rode shotgun with me again.  It was during this road trip that I was blessed with this story.  Oh I laughed until my stomach hurt.

A few weeks prior to this game Susie Lou had made a trip to one of the local stores to purchase a new pair of cleats for her little running back that she calls son.  Her mother had made that trip with her.

While in the sporting goods store, Susie Lou  began to feel a little on the light headed side. You know that feeling you get sometimes, like you are a little foggy.  She didn't think much of it and thought that she just might need to get a bite to eat.

As she continued to dilly dally around the store her mouth began to feel very dry.  She was finding it hard to even swallow.  Next she began to feel her heart beating faster and she began to feel a little on the paranoid side.  She told her mom that she wasn't feeling that well and that they should go ahead and finish up.

As she and her mother walked to the truck all of her symptoms seemed to be getting worse.  Her mouth was even more try, her heart was beating faster and she felt even more paranoid.  They decided that it would be best if her mother drove. 

Her mother asked her if she had eaten anything today and Susie Lou replied, "just a little breakfast and that half of a brownie at your house."  Then she remembered...... She said, "mom where did the brownie come from." Her mom replied, "it came out of your nieces room." "She had a pan of brownies in there and she knows that she isn't supposed to have food in her .room"  "The pan was full, I guess she ate them all."

Meanwhile as they  continue down the road  Susie Lou continues to struggle with the onset of her symptoms.  Sweet Susie Lou is somewhat of a Nervous Nelly anyway that is why she has never rode shotgun with me again.  So anything out of the norm makes her more nervous.

Susie Lou tells her mom, "call my niece and ask her if there was anything in those brownies."  Of course her mother was a little confused at first, however she did as she was instructed.  The continued on down the road and turned into the nearest fire station. At this point Susie Lou wasn't sure if she was having an allergic reaction to something or not. 

Meanwhile her mother continues to ask the niece what was in the brownies. "Tell me what was in the brownies." The niece responds, "what do you mean?"  Susie Lou  's mother is insistent that she tell what was in the brownies and  became more forceful with her questioning. "Tell me what you put in the brownies, your aunt is over here and she is freaking out and we don't know if she is having an allergic reaction or not." 

While the niece is being questioned by the mother the EMTs are questioning Susie Lou about her day.  "What did you eat?" "Where have you been?" "What year is it?" "What is your birthday."  All the normal questions.

After several rounds of forceful questioning Susie Lou's mom finally gets a reply from the niece, "I put marijuana in the brownies, that is why she feels the way she does."

Susie Lou's mom relays that very valuable information to the EMTs and all was relieved. "They told my good friend to get some water, a bag or two of some munchies and go home and sleep it off." 

Susie Lou was some what relieved to find out what was really ailing her and vowed to never eat from any one's batch of brownies again.

When Cooters Catch On Fire

If These Heels Could Talk they would say, "just when you thought you had heard it all, there is another story that makes you say, damn."

This past Saturday I was with family and friends.  We had a family member visiting from New Jersey.  We all sat around having a drink or two and telling a story or two.   I am not sure how we got on the subject that we did, however after hearing this woman's story I am just not sure that I have heard it all. I told her that I had stories but this one, well it was awesome. 

She told me that her husband had called her during the day time to remind her to pick some of the habanero peppers he had been growing.   So as any good wife would do, she proceeded to pick the peppers. 

After picking the peppers she went into the kitchen and started to prepare them. ( I am still not sure what she was preparing them for, anyway)  As the heat came from the peppers she began to get a tickle in her throat, and before you know it she was coughing a lot. 

Now any woman that has had more than one child will tell you, the bladder tends to get a little weak.  And my friend, well she has had four children, therefore the more she coughed...... the more the bladder gave in.... so she scurried off to the little cow girls room to handle some personal business.

She reaches for the tissue, wipes as all ladies would and the next thing you know... THE COOTER IS ON FIRE!!!  The juices from the peppers had transferred to the tissues that she was using. And her nether regions were experiencing what it was like for habanero pepper and flesh to meet.    In a panic she called her "fireman" to tell him that the "cooter" was on fire.  And as any concerned fireman would be, he asked her if there was any milk in the house.  (Are you kidding me?)

At this point I said, "please tell me you did not pour milk on your cooter?"

She said, "no even better."  " I took the jug of buttermilk, poured it in a bowl, sat over the bowl in the kitchen and splashed my cooter with it." 

She said, "it was either that or the yogurt."

Wow...... I have seen a lot of crazy stuff in my life... .I have heard a lot of crazy stuff in my life.... but never have I witnessed a cooter being splashed with buttermilk.

I told her husband this, "the next time your woman calls you and says that her cooter is on fire, you break loose and put that flame out like a real fireman."

Tied Up Toilets

If These Heels Could Talk they would say, "daddy has gone bonkers and the toilet ain't going no where."

So today as I was driving home I get an unexpected text from my dad.

Now I haven't really said too much about my parents in these writings, that I can remember.  My dad is country!!! I keep telling people if I had known being a redneck could make you millions, then I would have capitalized on that years ago. 

My parents have been married 42 years and I have known to break up a fight or two on more than one occasion.  My dad grew up in the country and will die in the country.  He is, has been and will always be set in his ways.  I love him dearly but have asked my mom on more than one occasion, "how on earth have you made it 42 years?"  Dedication and tolerance is the only explanation.

So today when I did receive my surprise text I wasn't too alarmed. I did however giggle about it. 

Dad to me via text: your momme donot under stand my back see make me bend so i stop that tape the the top to ther comd

Me to Dad via text: Damn hahahahah!

Dad to me via text: see whii not do right my back gone


Translation

Dad to me:  You mother does not understand that my back hurts.  She makes me bend down to lift the toilet seat. She is always closing it. So I hog tied the lid to the commode with duct tape.

Me to Dad: Damn hahahahahah

Dad to me:  She will not do right. And my back is gone.  I had to do what I had to do.

And there you have it folks.... The redneck way of doing things. Improvise. Adapt and overcome.  Hog tie a toilet with duct tape if need be.  But he is going to make things happen and he will not be bending over.

I bet my mother is fuming right now. That tape does not match those flowers.

 

What I Want My Daughter To Know

If These Heels Could Talk they would say, "being a woman isn’t always easy but it is all I have ever been so I don't know how to be anything else."

My daughter is growing up to be a strong beautiful woman.  She is nothing like I was at her age. She is much more reserved and makes better decisions than I did.  (Thank God)  I am very blessed.

I try to be very honest with my children about some of the decisions (good and bad) that I have made in my lifetime. I tell them that I am neither proud nor ashamed at some of the less than desirable choices that I made but thought were awesome at the moment.  I let them know that bad choices always have even worse consequences and when you make a bad choice you better  be prepared for the consequence to follow, and don't even think about pissing and moaning about anything,  remember it was your choice.

Girls can be so dramatic and in my factual opinion are more difficult to raise. Boys seem to just go with the flow most of the times.  Girls.... hmmm not so much. I am glad that I have a daughter and two boys and I wouldn't trade it for all the gold in California.  There are plenty of moments when I get to educate them on the differences in boys and girls.  We are equal as human beings but we are not the same. And when people try to say that there shouldn't be any difference in a man and woman, well it kind of peeves me a slight bit. 

Yes, I believe that there are some things that a woman can do that a man does and vice versa. I am not talking about responsibilities. I am speaking more about attributes. The simple fact is that WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT FROM MEN. We look different, we smell different, we think different, we act different and we feel different.   So with all that being said I came up with my own little (not that little) list of the things that I want my daughter to know. Most of them I have already told her and continue to tell her when the opportunity presents itself. 

Now just as with anything else that I write about, this is me... These are my thoughts. And these thoughts come from experiences, tears, laughter, joy and pain.  And I share them with her so that she may have less of the tears and pain and more of the joy and laughter.

          1.      Be God-Fearing. Pray daily. Forgive often.

 

2.      Waiting until you are married to give up the goods is the RIGHT and the BEST thing to do.  Be the exception rather than the norm.  What you have to offer is special and once you give it away it you can't get it back.

3.      If you do happen to decide to not wait until marriage make damn sure that the person you are with is worth what you are giving.  Again, you can't get it back. Don't give it to a loser.

4.      Yes bad boys will appear to be more attractive, interesting and exciting.  But they are called bad boys for a reason. Steer clear and embrace the nice guy.  Remember my previous statement about bad decisions?  Enough said……I missed a lot of long stem rose oppurtunities because I didn’t like the nice guy.

5.      Never resent the fact that you are a woman.  We give birth to Kings, Queens, Star Quarterbacks, Third Grade Spelling Bee Champs and Olympians. That is pretty darn cool.  No man will ever get to experience that feeling. Without Mary we would not have Jesus.

6.      Never date anyone that you wouldn’t want to marry. That doesn’t mean that the person you are dating you will marry. It means date someone with the qualities that you would want in a partner. You never know who you may fall in love with.

7.      Jealousy is an awful trait to have. It is even worse to be jealous of other beautiful women. There will always be another woman that is more beautiful, weigh less, have more money, be in better shape, etc.... Be happy for them and never compare yourself to them.  Jealousy steals you of your joy. The time you spend focusing on what they have, you could be working on your own self.

8.      Knowledge is power.  Learn something new every day.  Get an education.  And if you become a mother, prepare to educate. 

9.      If you settle for trailer trash, then you will end up with trailer trash.  In other words set goals and high expectations for yourself, but don’t be too hard on yourself.

10.  Take pride in your appearance. Do it for yourself first and foremost.  You will be amazed at how high your self esteem will be simply by carrying yourself with confidence.  Makeup may not be necessary (if you have natural beauty), but brushing your hair and teeth are necessary. 

11.  It is perfectly fine to live with a servant attitude and not think of it as you are a "doormat" in any relationship / friendship.  If you go through life with the “what’s in it for me attitude”, you will miss many opportunities to be blessed and to be a blessing.

12.  Help someone that you know can never repay you.

13.  Be Bold. Be Beautiful. Be Brave. Be Confident.

14.  Waiting for a man to understand all of your feelings is foolish. A man will never be able to understand all the reasons you cry.  Don’t get mad when he doesn’t understand, just appreciate that he is trying to understand. 

15.  Pick a career for the love of that career and not the money that you will make.  If you pick it for the money you will end up empty and miserable.

16.  Travel the world. Never let fear be the reason someone else has your window seat to the world.

17.  Not every person that you encounter in this lifetime will like you even if you are as sweet as Mother Theresa. That is okay. Everyone doesn’t have to like you, just be kind and keep moving.

18.  There are leaders and there are followers. If you are the leader, be a strong leader and set great examples. If you are a follower make sure you have a strong leader that is setting great examples.

19.  No matter what you are doing, give 100%.  Whether it is cleaning toilets, or polishing gold….. Treat all your responsibilities as if they are royalty.

20.  A woman can NEVER have too many pair of shoes, preferably HIGH HEELS. I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE TELLS YOU.  

Pink - Just Give Me a Reason LYRICS

Squat Like a Real Lady

If These Heels Could Talk they would say, "what in the hell has the world come to and what the hell is this?!?!?!"

This to me is disturbing in a lot of different ways.  First of all, what the hell is she wearing and why does she have tube socks on with those shoes?  If they were really going to try to advertise this little contraption why wouldn't they at least make the girl look a little more feminine?

Now before I get criticism, I think it is perfectly fine what she is wearing if she has been playing soccer or whatever.....

 

My issue is this -  I don't think this young lady would have any problem purchasing this ridiculous piece of plastic. I think she might rather enjoy using it.  I don't really know and don't care about her. They should have had someone, hmmmmm , let me think,  that wears a skirt and heels.

 

Here is my reasoning:  You have to go after those which you know would not obviously run out to the stores to purchase this little SheWee.  And in my factual opinion it would be the ladies that are not  on the tomboy side that would be the harder sale.  And  they may be less likely to use this ridiculousness.   

 

I have nothing against ladies that are on the tomboy side, etc... All women are beautiful to me, o.k. well not all women some have nasty attitudes which makes them ugly..... but this isn't about beauty right now it is about this ridiculous piece of product.

 

Now I will tell you this, I have hiked it over logs, stumps, and boats. I have even squatted.  I mean when nature calls a girl has to do what a girl has to do.  And if you are in the middle of a field at a party drinking beer like it is no body's  business (I no longer drink beer by the way), with no bathroom in site, well you will find a tire to hold on to while your girlfriend stands there guiding the flow of fluids. 

There was only one time in my life that yes, I will admit, I tried to tinkle while standing. However at this moment in my life I was around 10 years old and thought that my brothers had all the fun. They got to go hunting, fishing and camping and they cussed a lot.  I didn't get to do any of that.  I didn't want to be a boy, I just wanted to have fun like them and it seemed like fun to be able to whip the goods out whenever nature called.  It was an epic fail and my last attempt at ever trying to tinkle while standing. 

Never ever  have I thought, wow I wish I had a plastic funnel that may or may not act as a filter for my sprinkle while I tinkle.  I wouldn't even want to use this thing if it meant putting my best pair of heels in the line of fire.  I would rather kick those babies off and squat like a real lady.

Hell On Heels - Pistol Annies

I Never Was a Smoker and Pork Chops

If These Heels Could Talk they would tell you, "I never was a smoker."

I always wonder how anyone becomes addicted to nicotine.  Now before anyone gets their panties or whitey tighties in a wad, I ain't judging, just looking for clarification.

I tried to smoke a cigarette at the age of 13 thanks to an older cousin that had swiped one off of a parent or another friend, I don't know and I suppose I  really don't  care where she got it. All I know is that the first toke off of that God awful thing was hell. My lungs were on fire and I felt horrible and it left a major after taste in my mouth.  There was no high, rush or good feeling that some people speak of, just a headache. And there is no fun in a headache, burning lungs or bad breath.

I guess one reason for my lack of understanding is there was nothing pleasant or tasty about this experience, unlike a drink of Vodka and Grapefruit. That on the other hand can be tasty,  easy to go down and there was no burning of the lungs.  I guess if I drink too much of it I would get an awful taste in my mouth but nothing like that toke on that cigarette.  And nothing a breath mint might not assist with.

Looking back on this experience I often wonder why I even thought about trying to smoke.  I never have thought that it was an attractive trait, not even at an early age.  I am not the type that does things just to be "cool."  When I do something I do it for no other reason but pleasure, excitement, fun, entertainment, etc... You get the picture.  If I just happen to appear cool through the eyes of others well that is on them and not me.

Another reason I find it strange that I would even attempt my hand at smoking is because I HATED, HATED, HATED, HATED, HATED, HATED, HATED that both of my parents smoked.  Of course just about every house/trailer that we resided it had no central heat and air.  Well come to think of it, none of them had central heat and air, therefore our method of heat was a wood burning stove or a kerosene heater. 

Now I am not sure if anyone has lived in a home with a wood burning stove for heat, but I will say that it is not like your little precious fire places with your pretty little mantels that you have sitting there just for looks.  Nope our wood burning stoves were put to good use in the winter months.  And I will say that they will heat a 500 square foot single wide trailer very well.  The problem I had is that whenever you had to reload the sucker with wood, well smoke would most of the time come billowing right on out of there.

The smoke would saturate everything in its presence.  Your hair, your clothes, your skin, your lungs, your eyes...... everything........ nothing was spared, not even the snake that was hiding in the bathroom (you will have to read the previous post if you want to know about the snake.)

So there I would be trying to get ready for school, trying to look half way cute and smelling like a damn burnt pork chop.  How the hell is anyone supposed to try to look cute smelling like a burnt pork chop?  Quiet frankly I got so tired of people asking if we cooked pork chops everyday I just starting telling them my mom really liked cooking them and they were easy for breakfast. (lie like a dog I did, not sure why, I still smelled bad)  

Between two parents that smoked and that wood burning heater, I had no chance of looking like anything. Maybe that is why I never had a boyfriend growing up, it is all starting to come together now.  As with most everything in society I shall blame someone else for my relationship issues. 

And here I am now, still not smoking, still not going to smoke. I have no fireplace or wood burning stove and I have no desire to have a fireplace or wood burning stove unless they are fake.

I do however need a new pair of heels.  These below would be PERFECT.

                                                       

Dirty Laundry Abnormal Teenage Behavior

If These Heels Could Talk they would say, "why the hell is my 17 year old up at 2:30 a.m. doing laundry?"

Growing up my mother basically taught me how to run a house hold.  She is very old school and therefore taught me that all matters of the house were to be tended to by the ladies of the house. So growing up my mother and I did everything in the house; the cooking, cleaning, laundry and even the yard work. 

I have watched and helped my mom chop wood, build the fire and cook a meal on the wood burning stove that she just started the fire on.  Yes I know that is some Little House on the Prairie crap.  But it is true. 

I never thought that how our house was ran was wrong and I never thought that because my mom and I did all the housework that I was missing out on something or that life wasn't fair.  It was the only way I knew. 

My brothers never had to do laundry until they left home in their late teens, early twenties. And if my mom couldn't do the cooking and cleaning and laundry for my brothers and dad while they were at home, then I was responsible for it.  Again, this really never bothered me, I actually did not mind. I remember being 12 years old standing in a chair at the stove frying cat fish.  Hey that was some good cat fish.

When I left home at 18 to join the Navy and I started to meet people from all over the country it was brought to my attention that not everyone lived the way my family lived.  I was in shock at times.  The first time I heard another woman tell her boyfriend/husband that he could make his own dinner I was appalled.  I thought to myself that is the worse woman I have ever met, what kind of woman would not make her man supper. 

Of course I think at times they thought I was straight up Mayberry. 

Anyway I have come to realize that it would be a huge dis-service to my boys if I didn't teach them how to do some things around the house.  So I have begun to teach them how to do the laundry. Especially my 17 year old.  But I will say that when he does do his own laundry I feel like I am not fulfilling my motherly duties  and that I should be doing his laundry. But I also think that one day he will be gone and I will not be there to do his laundry.  So I let it go. 

The other night I was awaken at 2:30 a.m. to the laundry room door opening and then I hear the dryer door slam.  And I think to myself, that could only be one person.  Part of me smiled and the other part of me was irritated because it was freaking 2:30 IN THE MORNING.  Why the hell is he up at 2:30 a.m. doing laundry and why couldn't he have brought down his laundry when I told him 12 hours earlier? At which point I would have graciously done all of his laundry.   

The thought process of teenagers at times is quiet disturbing.  I said to him the next morning, "could you have picked a more appropriate time to do the laundry?" and his reply was, "Oh I was up playing Xbox and remembered I needed to dry the clothes." 

Well alright then, there you have it.  Maybe not such abnormal behavior after all.  I guess most teenagers are doing laundry at 2:30 a.m. while playing the Xbox. 

Last Dance With Mary Jane

If These Heels Could Talk they would say, "my kids know a little bit about Momma before she became Momma."

 I am pretty open with my kids about MOST things.  Notice I said MOST things, some things are still none of their business and they will never know about them.  Just as I am sure there are things that they will do in their life that I will never know.

The things that I am open with them about in regards to the good and bad decisions in my life are for no other reason than to hopefully educate them on making better decisions. 

Today I was taking one of my kids to a friend's house and I had another one in tow and we took a familiar road to get to this friend's house.  As we traveled this road I was taken back some many years, hmmmm o.k. about 22 years.  Down this road is a grave yard and that grave yard reminded me of a meeting that I had. 

It was the first time that me and good ole "Mary Jane" met.  "Mary Jane" was introduced to me by way of some of my older brother's friends. Now do not be alarmed, he was only 1 1/2 years  older than I so they too were 1 1/2 years older.

I remember it like it was yesterday.  I remember them asking if I would be interested in meeting "Mary Jane" and I thought, hey why not, she seems friendly. And when she is around everyone seems to chill the hell out and enjoy some good ole eats.    So since not everyone wanted to meet "Mary Jane" we strolled across the street to the cemetery. 

Absolutely by far not one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. As a matter of a fact it probably runs up there with some of the dumbest decisions, but none the less, I made it anyway.

Everything seemed to be going well until one of the individuals girlfriend arrived to the party and stuck her head through the sunroof of the meeting place.  I was not scared of her at all because "Mary Jane" had really put me at ease about all things at that particular moment.  "Mary Jane" was nice, really nice. 

Thank goodness that the girlfriend wasn't mad at me, I think she knew that my interest was only with "Mary Jane" and not the people that had introduced me to her. We were all just friends anyway. 

I told my kids that I met "Mary Jane" and I never told them that I didn't like her, because truthfully "Mary Jane" wasn't always all that bad, but I did tell them that there came a time in my life that I realized "Mary Jane" didn't have my best interest at heart and therefore there was no use for her to be in my life.  And just to put any concerned individuals at ease "Mary Jane" and I only encountered each other on certain occasions and I never really missed her when she was away.  I just liked for her to come to the parties some times.

I am not sure if my confessions surprise my kids or repulse them, and quiet frankly I really do not care.  I just hope that they make better decisions if anyone ever wants to introduce them to "Mary Jane."

Let's All Yell At Each Other

If These Heels Could Talk they would say, "yelling is a much better form of communication at least that is what my kids think."

To sit down for a relaxing evening with my three kids is nearly impossible.  Not one thing can be decided without them arguing over what it is they are trying to decide. 

It usually begins with a friendly conversation and then it takes a turn for the worse right when they start to think they know more than the other one.  They do not speak to each other in the normal calm voice regardless of what it is they are discussing. 

I always thought how would it be if when I was speaking to  people if I would talk to them like my kids talk to each other.  It would be quiet humorous. 

Random person to me: "How are you today Angie?"

Me to random person: "Shut up you freaking idiot."

Random person to me:  "Hey can we watch another movie?"

Me to random person: "Shut up you freaking idiot."

And so you can see how these conversations continue.  It is almost as if they do not like each other at all.  Is this normal for siblings?  I don't know if I ever talked like that to my brothers or vice versa.  I know that we didn't always get along and still have our disagreements. 

I have tried to teach the kids that they should be each other's number one fan.  It doesn't mean that they are always going to agree with each other or even like each other at times.  But at the end of the day there are only a few people in this lifetime that you will be able to count on for support and it should include the ones you sit down with at the dinner table.

But I guess in the mean time, yelling will have to be the best form of communication.

Reality TV My Ass

If These Heels Could Talk on this day they would say, "reality TV is really not reality and I could put a camera on my shoulder and the world could see reality."

Just recently a couple of  my favorite lady friends and I  got together for a little drinky drink and some trash talking men relaxation....... It was so awesome!!! They made fun of my 5 inch heels and the fact that I brought Donald Trump with me to the party...... hey, I like expensive things..... What can I say...

 I miss seeing my ladies, they let me be exactly who I am, they embrace me, they laugh at me, and they tell me, "Girl you are so crazy."

If I had a half of cent for every time someone has called me crazy, well I wouldn't be writing this crap, I would be looooooonnnnnngggg gone...........

Crazy is as crazy does I say.......

I would love to let the world in on all of our conversations however that would take away from the specialness of the conversations that we have, therefore I will keep 99% of them to myself. 

We did however talk about Reality TV..... The Real Housewives of Atlanta.... psshhh.... That is some horse crap if I have ever seen it.....

Here is reality..... 60 hour work weeks....... Mom why doesn't the wifi work because my boys are waiting for me to hop on Call of Duty?, What is for dinner?, Mom can I have $50.00 to go to the Braves game because I have $100.00 but I don't want to break it?..... The chicken laid an egg..... I need a new pair of shoes....... Can I please go to a private school,?.... Mom, I need a new baseball glove, I lost mine?......

Hey kids, I need to go to the bathroom by myself can I have five minutes?...... Two minutes in.... Hey Mom!!!! Did you get my text?  Victor won't help with the dishes........

And that is all before 12 noon......... I know cats have been known for eating their kittens at birth, but what about Mothers.....

I am just kidding.... I wouldn't eat my kids.... I love them too much. And they caused me entire too much pain........And anything that has caused me that much pain, I become overly obsessive about and threaten every umpire and referee in a 50 mile radius of their life if they screw with them.

My lady friends and I all agreed that we WOULD LOVE, absolutely love to go shopping while being transported by a stretch limo and being fed grapes and booze......... I would not complain about that for one half of a minute......

And that is the damn truth......

What Lies Beneath

If These Heels Could Talk on this day they would say that, "the power of persuasion can go a long way, even when you don't realize you are persuading anyone."

As most people know, you will not catch me wearing any form of foot attire other than heels.  There are moments when I have to break out of my shell but those moments are way far and few in between.  I love my heels, I feel tall and sexy in my heels.  Therefore that is what I choose each and every day to wear. And no, I am not uncomfortable and I have not broken a neck or leg wearing them as of yet.

What other ladies decide to wear on their feet is between them and their feet.  And yes I will make a statement as to the fact that MOST flats are hideous and should not adorn a woman's foot, however that is my factual opinion and is 99% based on what I am comfortable wearing. 

I did not realize that my factual opinion actually affected what others would decide to wear, until recently.

A co worker of mine came to work one day wearing and awesome pair of heels.  She said to me, "Angie thanks to you every time I try to pick out a pair of shoes I think about you and now it is hard for me to decide to wear the flats."  I wonder, "what would Angie wear."

I actually chuckled at this notion, because again, what I wear and feel comfortable in may not be what someone else is comfortable wearing. However, I could see a little pep in her step.  I think she felt for a minute what I felt, sexy.....

Fast forward to a few weeks later and we are discussing ladies under garments.  We got on the subject by way of talking about how we really didn't like it when you could see the pantie line.  We went as far as saying if you are going to wear something skin tight you might want to stick to going commando. 

In true Angie fashion, I held nothing back and explained that there are only certain under garments that I chose to wear, and I like for them to match.  And I like for them to match for no other reason other than I feel sexy when they do. O.k. and if I happen to be in a wreck and the EMTs must evaluate the situation, I really don't want to look ratchet.  There I said it. 

 What is beneath the clothing feels just as good as the clothing itself. Sometimes it will feel even better.  And it has nothing to do with who or who is not going to see them.  It is all about how it makes the woman that is wearing them feel. 

Now again, my decision to wear pretty undergarments and the fact that I think all women should is my factual opinion and is again based on what is right for me.  However, once again I find that my statement has affected a few around me. 

Today I was told, "now I think I need to go pantie shopping for some new sexy matching panties, especially after the conversation we had." Keep in mind this was her anniversary weekend. I am sure that had nothing to do with all this change in heart.

Over the years I have come to realize that What Lies Beneath is just as important as What Lies on the Outside.  You can be so put together, makeup done, hair to a tee, smile on and the world can think that you are all together but if under all that you are torn, weathered, beat down, burdened, heart broken, angry, bitter, etc... it really does not matter what is on the outside.  Not even the best pair of Heels is going to make you feel better.

And that is one reason it is so important to work on what is beneath before working on what is outside. 

I say that  today all women should choose  to put on their  prettiest panties and bra and celebrate being a beautiful woman.  Do not let the worries of this world break your spirit.  Do not let the opinion of anyone else decide what the opinion of yourself may be, because at the end of the day, you have to look in that mirror.

Think beautiful, feel beautiful, become beautiful and live beautiful.  Being a woman is special. We get to experience things that a man could never fathom. We should embrace that, not get mad at that.  And as always in true Angie fashion, wear your best heels.