Snakes On the Toilet

If These Heels Could Talk they would say, "I hate a mother trucking snake."

If you have read any of my stories or even listened to me speak you would know a little about how I grew up in the country.  And not just in any part of the country but on the Flint River in Pike County Georgia.  God's country if I might add.  At 11 years old I thought so anyway. 


We lived in a single wide trailer that had not one front door but two front doors.  We had no back door. I wanted a back door.  The things you just don't realize you appreciate in this life.

 Anywho....

Every now and then the immaculate plumbing that we didn't have would spring a leak.  Well everyone knows that a leak unnoticed or just plain out ignored will cause damage to the floors. So needless to say we had a few holes in the floor of that mansion. 

My mom was like a magician when it came to hiding those holes.  She would get a fancy mancy throw rug at the nearest K-mart blue light special and BAMMMMMM!!! no more hole. 

Well one glorious Sunday morning I felt nature calling and off to the little cow-girls room I went.  I carefully propped the door that was off the hinges up in an effort to give myself a little privacy.  As I am sitting there doing the do.....I look to the left and immediately have heart failure at the age of 11.

There was a snake right by the door that I had just propped up.  Now, I am in a bit of a situation.  I have to walk by the slimy bastard to get out.  So I finish my business, pulled my britches up, skipped the washing of hands at this point (I know gross!!)  and think how I wish I had wings at this time. I did not want to walk by that snake. (Did I mention I hate FREAKING SNAKES!!!)

I manage my way by without getting attacked and I tell my mom about our little visitor.  And of course she thought I was completely crazy. She might have even asked if I did drugs. (Mom I am only 11, I will at least wait until I am 16 for such shenanigans)   

So..... our day goes on as normal..... And then it happens.....

The little slimy bastard sticks its slimy neck out behind the chair.  WE FREAKED OUT!!! We went running out of  one of the two front doors and continued to FREAK OUT.

Later on my dad arrives... TO SAVE THE DAY.... (not).....

We filled him in on the days festivities and his reply (I kid you not) was, "well it only keeps the rats away, and that is a good thing."

If you have to keep critters such as snakes around to keep other critters like rats away, well you just might be a damn redneck.  GET RID OF THE RATS. I was not comforted at all. 

That night, my mom, my two brothers and myself sleep in the Nova that had no reverse because the transmission was shot out.  For one night I felt homeless, however I didn't sleep with a snake. 

And to this day.... I will not sleep with a snake.